Stupid Poses: High Kicks and Fat-Asses

Jean-Claude Van Damm High Kicks at The Expendables 2 Premiere

We’re just going to come out and say this because it’s our job to be brutally honest about odd red carpet behavior, but no one in this 14 billion-year-old universe wants to see a former action hero star doing high kick on the Red Carpet, at the store, at the library or anywhere else (even if he was once the #1 box office draw and action hero).  No one needs to be this up-close and personal with a 50-year old man’s sweaty crotch except Lindsay Lohan who could use the career boost (co-starring in a movie with Jean Claude Van Damm’s crotch couldn’t possibly be worse than the stinkers she’s put out in the past decade).

And, is it just us or does his ass look gigantic? What is that? A diaper? Booty-pads? WHAT? Listen, Jean-Claude Van Damm is clearly in good shape for a 51 year old man who thrived on hard drugs and a fast lifestyle in Hollywood, but we don’t remember him having that much ass in the past. Can we get confirmation on why Van Damme’s ass looks like it’s rivaling Kim Kardashians? Having said that, if this is the view from Van Dammes high kicks, it’s time to put down that leg and retire the high kicks — RIP.

We don’t know what made us think Jean-Claude Van Damme could make it through a press tour without doing a high kick, a split or showing his abs (that’s his red carpet schtick, after all), but during his The Expendables 2 (@Expendables2) worldwide press tour with co-stars Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger, he managed to do all three… repeatedly… he’s like an addict that can’t stop.  As a matter of fact, we found so many photos of Van Damm’s Red Carpet high-kicks and other buffoonery, that when we tried to download them all, they crashed our computer servers (even Gods have bandwidth limits). So for now, here are only a few photos:

Jean-Claude Van Damn and his Abs (Expendables 2)









As we all know, Van Damm is not only a Red Carpet Stupid Poses Repeat Offender, he’s a Hall of Famer. Indeed, his entire career has been one gigantic stupid red carpet pose. He’s like a Red Carpet Clown that can’t be stopped.

So we’re proposing a new cultural, tourist attraction to be launched in Hollywood and New York called “The Jean Claude Van Damme Museum of Stupid Red Carpet Poses – The Clown that Won’t Back Down” – here’s a sneak peek at the exhibit:





















Jean-Claude Van Damm at Kung Fu Panda Premiere


Jean-Claude Van Damm Kicks the Crap out of Kung Fu Panda

Jean-Claude Van Damm Kicks the Crap out of Kung Fu Panda

Did he kick the shit out of Kung Fu Panda??! He’s a cartoon character for godssake!!  We’d really like to know what went down between Van Damme and the Panda on the Carpet. They were chillin’ in the photo before and then suddenly Van Damm unleashes a can of whip-ass on the Panda. Maybe the Panda owed him money. We don’t know. But this puts Van Damm in the same category as our other crazy celebrity uncles like Alec Baldwin.

Awww. We heart you Van Damm – high kicks, fat ass and all.


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About Red Carpet Gods

We are saving the planet one red carpet at a time. No human being should be subjected to a celebrity’s awkward, “look-at-me-I’m-so-cool” crappy pose.
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